Berlin - awesome

For want of a better explanation, Berlin was awesome. On the Monday, we went on a tour to Potsdam, the capital of the Federal State of Brandenburg. As on any good tour, we saw two castles, Schloss Cecilienhof and Schloss Sanssouci, (Schloss meaning castle). Cecilienhof is a quite large palace, but has the quaint appearance of an English Tudor country lodge. Behind the castle is a grassy slope running down to a private lake. Interestingly, this relaxing country setting is the location of the historic Potsdam Conference. Held at the end of WWII, this was the conference where the Allied leaders (Truman and Churchill) met with Stalin to decide the future of Germany. Sanssouci is the former summer palace of Frederick the Great, King of Prussia. Built in the French Rococo style and set in a terraced garden, Sanssouci is much grander than Cecilienhof, but ever so slightly more tacky. The entrance of the palace leads into the most notable room, the Hall of Shells. The walls of this room are covered with fossils, shells and semiprecious stones. While being ridiculously tacky, the lighthearted feel of this room and the other whimsically decorated rooms are in keeping with Frederick’s desire to keep the palace as a place to escape the pomp of the Prussian court. Apparently, Sanssouci comes from the French term which loosely translates as "without cares", or in Australian "no worries".

On Tuesday, we did a bus and walking tour of Berlin. Berlin is a very interesting city, but I wasn’t a fan of the tour. The tour guide spent the better part of an hour telling us about a shopping mall that had been rebuilt after the war and the construction challenges that were faced, yawn. In the arvo, Kristin and I visited the Checkpoint Charlie museum, the Jewish museum, the Holocaust memorial and saw the place where Hitler’s bunker used to be. The Checkpoint Charlie museum was interesting, albeit overpriced. The museum related various anecdotes as to the ingenious methods that eastern Germans used to escape over the border into west Berlin. The Jewish museum was interesting, however it mainly consisted of Jewish artefacts of Jews who were killed by the Nazis and a vague insight into the Jewish culture in general. Certainly interesting, but I was hoping for more of an insight to the history surrounding the Nazi persecution. The Holocaust memorial consists of a large square filled with grey tomb-like stones. Apparently, the company that provided the graffiti proof material for the memorial is the same company that produced ‘Zyklon B’, the gas used to kill victims at Auschwitz. That’s what I call, getting in on both sides of the market.

On Wednesday, we visited the villa where the Wannsee Conference was held and also visited a Stasi (pronounced shtazi) Prison. The Wannsee Conference was a meeting of senior Nazi officials, held on 20 January 1942, to inform them of the “Final Solution of the Jewish Question”. It is scary to think that a small group of insane people can do so much damage to the world. As a general rule it is a good idea to keep power out of the hands of lunatics, “hello, America, are you listening?” In the afternoon, we visited the Stasi prison. One of the former inmates of the prison spoke to us about his experience being imprisoned there. This man was imprisoned for 7 years without trial, and spent 10 months in complete isolation in the underground prison that was affectionately dubbed the “U-boat”. He was involved in a student organisation and while he was visiting eastern Berlin to give financial assistance to some of the students there, he was arrested by the Stasi on suspicion of being a high level spy. He said that the complete isolation and “psychological torture” dished out by the prison guards, led to many inmates developing psychiatric conditions. This man had however survived unscathed. He gave three reasons for his ability to survive. 1. Mental exercise. While in isolation, he continually recited things he had learnt before and created hypothetical situations and solved mathematical and other problems. 2. Keeping perspective. Instead of focussing on what a bad situation he was in, he said that he always tried to “sit beside” himself, looking at his situation in the context of the broader machinations and problems of the time. 3. Artificial arrogance. He fostered a sense of “artificial arrogance” within himself. The prison guards would never use his name and would merely address him by stating “come”, “go” and “turn around”. He considered the guards as children, too silly and foolish to be able to really cause him concern.

On Thursday, we visited the Reichstag. The parliamentary building where the German parliament (the Bundestag) resides. The building is a place of significant historical significance. The building was built to house the original parliament of the German Empire opening in 1894. It mysteriously burnt down in 1933 (thanks Hitler), and the communists were blamed. It was only reopened as recently as 1999 to house the Parliament of united Germany. Anyway, being a group of law students from Germany's only private law school, we were lucky enough to have a talk from Hans-Ulrich Klose. He is the former mayor of the free and Hanseatic city of Hamburg and a current member of the Bundestag and Chairman of the German-American Parliamentary Group. This man is very impressive and hearing him speak was really interesting. Klose jokingly said that he thought Europeans should be allowed to vote in American elections because US policies directly effects Europe. When asked who he would vote for if he were allowed, Klose said that the American/European relations were currently at a low point (no doubt due in no small part to George Bushes arrogance and unilateralism) and that the election of the Democrates would be expected to improve relations. Klose said that if Hillary Clinton were elected this would spell three decades where two American families have controlled American politics. Seeing this as a dangerous outcome Klose said that he would support Obama. I was shocked that Klose was so frank about who he would support in the US election and I'm not so sure his position makes sense. It does not matter who controls government, so much as it matters that they are the best man for the job. As to whether Hillary is the best 'man' for the job is a whole other question...

TAE A FERT

This poem, entitled 'Tae a Fert' is a Scottish poem. I got from Kate Green, our wee bonnie lassie tour guide, who was kind enough to show us around Scotland when I was there in July this year.
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Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
That lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
-
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin all ower the place
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'bodys gonnae have tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
-
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it doesnae reek
But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap a thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Mighty me a sonic boom!
-
God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope I huvnae filled ma breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry
A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or two are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but rise a smile

Wis him! I shout with accusin glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair

Where e're ye go let ye wind gan free
Sounds like just the place fur me
Whit a fuss at rabbie's perty
Ower the sake o' one wee ferty.

Letter to America

To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:..

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5.There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

Gesellschaft mit beschränkter Haftung

Or, in English - 'company with limited liability'.

Somehow the law seems so much more authoritative and exciting in German, or maybe it's just me.