International Tribunal for the Law of the Sea

I visited the International Tribunal for the Law of the Sea on Wednesday (28 Nov). ITLOS was formed pursuant to the United Nations Convention on the Law fo the Sea, which entered into force on 16 November 1994. The title of this tribunal makes it sound impressive, but in reality, it is really not. Since its formation the Tribunal has heard a mere 15 cases, and at one point went without any cases for two whole years.

All in all, a little underwhelmed by ITLOS. However, as with all UN agencies built upon multilateral agreement, ITLOS may just need some time to gather steam.

Oxford

Flew over to Oxford from Hamburg on the weekend. Flying with Ryanair is something that I hope I never have to do again. The flights appear attractively cheap. However, with the government taxes, baggage charges, having to pay for food on flight, and the cost of getting to and from the obscure airports that Ryanair uses, it turns out to be much more costly than you are led to believe. The airline tries to turn a dollar at every opportunity. The flight which they advertise as going from Hamburg to London actually goes from Lübeck to Stansted, which are completely different cities. A shameful misrepresentation. The dirty scoundrels also sell lottery tickets and other useless trinkets on board the plane. But perhaps I've got a little carried away.

Before catching the Oxford Tube from near Victoria station, I did a bus tour of London. I was in London in July with Macca, but the bus tour made me realise how many things I haven't seen. Madame Tussauds, Harrods, the Dungeons, Shakespeare's Globe Theatre, London Zoo and the list goes on.

I alighted from the bus on the Oxford High Street at around 7pm. I walked back down the High Street a few hundred metres and was greeted by Eric out the front of the Magdalen College Porters Lodge. After trying some of Eric's home made Lasagne, which was actually really good, we went to a college frat party which was affectionately dubbed 'the Liquid Lounge', a reference no doubt to the frosty beverages consumed there. I played ‘Tip Cup’. The aim of this drinking game is to skull and then flip your cup off the edge of the table so that it lands face down. Once you succeed, the next person does the same. You play in teams and the first team to finish wins.

Saturday morning (24 November '07) Aaron, Eric and I woke up early and went to watch the election. We went to Rhodes house to watch the results come through. There were about 100 Aussies watching the results on a big screen in the main hall of Rhodes House with green and gold streamers draped around the room and a big Ausralian flag hung at the back of the room. It was really surreal because I knew seven of the people there. David Townsend, Anthony Jones, Angela Cummine, Eric Knight, Aaron Rathmell, Oli Jones and Tash McCarthy. As AJ informed me, Oxford is really a finishing school for Sydney Uni students.

Rudd won a resounding victory. 83 out of 150 seats in the House of Reps and Maxine McKew forced Howard out of Bennelong. I am very pleased with the result, although cautiously optimistic. Hopefully the labour party doesn’t manage to destroy the country within the next 3 years. It was perhaps one of my most memorable experiences, being on the other side of the world, in the main hall of Rhodes House in Oxford, watching a turning point in Australian history unfold with so many other Australians.

After watching the end of the results, Maxine make a drunken fool of herself, Turnbull make a leadership speech, Howard thank his ‘cement’ (wife) and Rudd awkwardly refer to himself in the third person, it was time to see Oxford. We had a lunch at the Turf Tavern. A really nice little pub, previous patrons include the likes of Bob Hawk and Bill Clinton. Interestingly, there is a meadow on the grounds of Magdalen College, which is used as a deer park. However, while I was there the deer had been moved onto other college land because the river, I believe it is the River Cherwell, had just recently flooded.

That night I went with Eric to the black tie dinner and initiation ceremony for the Magdalen College Rowing Club. The dinner consisted of bruscetta, lasagne and chocolate cake. It was pretty reasonable, but at £20 it was quite expensive for what it was. During the dinner the rowing organises proceeded to give out a series of prizes and make in jokes that I don't think even Eric understood. Afterwards, we all went down to Addison’s walk, a tree lined pathway on the College grounds, and I was initiated into the College rowing club with all the rest. Initiation consisted of swapping clothes with someone from the opposite sex, having your legs taped together and a bottle of alcohol taped to your hand, then running along to certain check points where the alcohol was replenished. Ah, Oxford.

Lübeck and marzipan, let's blow this joint.

I went to Lübeck today, the old part of the town retains a quaint medieval appearance and is completely encircled by the Trave river. For several centuries it was the capital of the Hanseatic League, which was an alliance of trading guilds which maintained a trade monopoly over the Baltic Sea and parts of the North Sea. However, today it plays second or perhaps third fiddle to Hamburg.

Five of the other exchange students came with me (Mike Levin, Subra, Meghna, Yihong, and Alex Watkins). First stop was the Holstentor Museum. The Holstentor being a large four story Brick Gothic city gate, completed in 1478, and listed as a UNESCO World Heritage Site in 1987. The most interesting thing inside the museum is a detailed carved wooden map of the old city, amazing created by school children towards the beginning of the 20th century. We also visited the Lübeck Museum of Theatre Puppets. Not bad, as far as museums of theatre puppets go. I think TV and Hollywood finished this profession off. The Dom church is apparently very famous, but there are several churches on the little old city island and the one we saw wasn't much to write home about. I also saw the Rathaus (pronounced Rat House), aka Town Hall. It is very telling that the place where the local politicians meet is the Rathaus.

Lübeck is famous for marzipan, and we visited the famous Niederegger Café. According to local legend marzipan was first made in Lübeck. The story, which is probably bogus, is that the town ran out of all foods except stored almonds and sugar, and used these to make loaves of marzipan bread.

Interestingly, we randomly discussed the origin and meaning of the word 'blow' in the sentence 'Let's blow this joint'. In this context 'to blow' means to leave the place immediately or in a hurry. Apparently, the word has had this meaning since the 18th century. But where did it come from? Our theory is that the phrase "let's blow this joint" appears to derive from the phrase "this place blows". "This place blows" derives from the phrase "this place sucks" (if you can't see this link it's probably not my place to explain it). "This place sucks" in turn appears to derive from "this place is for suckers". Suckers being people who are easily cheated or deceived.

Climate Change Coalition

The Australian Federal election is in 10 days.

The traditional reaction, when someone finds out you support action to preserve the environment, is that you are (a) 'a leftie', (b) 'a greenie tree hugger', (c) 'a hippie', (d) 'anti-business', or (e) unAustralian.

While these are understandable emotional responses, they are not rational or well thought out. Climate change currently represents the single greatest market failure ever faced by humanity. That is very bad for business. I think Australia has the human capital necessary to adapt to the changes in the marketplace resulting from climate change. Since the need to deal with the issue is inevitable, the first countries to innovate will gain a first mover advantage in the global market for climate change solutions. In the longer term, failure to act will not mean a stronger economy but will mean foregone business opportunities.

There is a new political party in this years election called 'Climate Change Coalition'. Not only is Dr. Karl one of their candidates, but the party brings this important issue of Climate Change to the table.

Divali - Festival of Light

I went to the Indian consulate this morning to get an Indian visa for Jan/Feb when I will be there. I was surprised to discover that today is Divali. A polite note on the locked door of the consulate informed me of this. Seeing as I was prevented from getting the visa, I decided to look up Divali.

Diwali, Divali, or Deepawali is a major Indian holiday. It started as a harvest festival in ancient times, became associated with many legends and became a significant festival in Hinduism and all of the faiths that originated in India. Today it is celebrated by Hindus, Jains and Sikhs across the globe as the "Festival of Light," where the lights or lamps signify victory of good over the evil within every human being.

The most popular legend associated with Divali today is the homecoming of King Rama of Ayodhya after a 14-year exile in the forest. The people of Ayodhya (the capital of his kingdom) welcomed Rama by lighting rows (avali) of lamps (deepa), thus its name, Deepawali, or simply shortened as Diwali, or Divali.

Something interesting had to come out of not being able to get my visa.

Climate change - what's the worst that could happen?

This is an amazing video.

If you are interested in the issue of climate change, if you are a climate change sceptic, if you are wanting that killer argument to explain the importance of the issue to all of your sceptic friends, or if you know nothing about the issue. This is a must watch video.

The simplicity of the argument, which uses basic strategic form game theory, makes it extremely compelling. This short clip makes the need to take action against climate change clear. More importantly, it unveils all the political debates and discussions for what they really are, unnecessary and dangerous time wasting.

Have a look and see what you reckon.

Berlin - awesome

For want of a better explanation, Berlin was awesome. On the Monday, we went on a tour to Potsdam, the capital of the Federal State of Brandenburg. As on any good tour, we saw two castles, Schloss Cecilienhof and Schloss Sanssouci, (Schloss meaning castle). Cecilienhof is a quite large palace, but has the quaint appearance of an English Tudor country lodge. Behind the castle is a grassy slope running down to a private lake. Interestingly, this relaxing country setting is the location of the historic Potsdam Conference. Held at the end of WWII, this was the conference where the Allied leaders (Truman and Churchill) met with Stalin to decide the future of Germany. Sanssouci is the former summer palace of Frederick the Great, King of Prussia. Built in the French Rococo style and set in a terraced garden, Sanssouci is much grander than Cecilienhof, but ever so slightly more tacky. The entrance of the palace leads into the most notable room, the Hall of Shells. The walls of this room are covered with fossils, shells and semiprecious stones. While being ridiculously tacky, the lighthearted feel of this room and the other whimsically decorated rooms are in keeping with Frederick’s desire to keep the palace as a place to escape the pomp of the Prussian court. Apparently, Sanssouci comes from the French term which loosely translates as "without cares", or in Australian "no worries".

On Tuesday, we did a bus and walking tour of Berlin. Berlin is a very interesting city, but I wasn’t a fan of the tour. The tour guide spent the better part of an hour telling us about a shopping mall that had been rebuilt after the war and the construction challenges that were faced, yawn. In the arvo, Kristin and I visited the Checkpoint Charlie museum, the Jewish museum, the Holocaust memorial and saw the place where Hitler’s bunker used to be. The Checkpoint Charlie museum was interesting, albeit overpriced. The museum related various anecdotes as to the ingenious methods that eastern Germans used to escape over the border into west Berlin. The Jewish museum was interesting, however it mainly consisted of Jewish artefacts of Jews who were killed by the Nazis and a vague insight into the Jewish culture in general. Certainly interesting, but I was hoping for more of an insight to the history surrounding the Nazi persecution. The Holocaust memorial consists of a large square filled with grey tomb-like stones. Apparently, the company that provided the graffiti proof material for the memorial is the same company that produced ‘Zyklon B’, the gas used to kill victims at Auschwitz. That’s what I call, getting in on both sides of the market.

On Wednesday, we visited the villa where the Wannsee Conference was held and also visited a Stasi (pronounced shtazi) Prison. The Wannsee Conference was a meeting of senior Nazi officials, held on 20 January 1942, to inform them of the “Final Solution of the Jewish Question”. It is scary to think that a small group of insane people can do so much damage to the world. As a general rule it is a good idea to keep power out of the hands of lunatics, “hello, America, are you listening?” In the afternoon, we visited the Stasi prison. One of the former inmates of the prison spoke to us about his experience being imprisoned there. This man was imprisoned for 7 years without trial, and spent 10 months in complete isolation in the underground prison that was affectionately dubbed the “U-boat”. He was involved in a student organisation and while he was visiting eastern Berlin to give financial assistance to some of the students there, he was arrested by the Stasi on suspicion of being a high level spy. He said that the complete isolation and “psychological torture” dished out by the prison guards, led to many inmates developing psychiatric conditions. This man had however survived unscathed. He gave three reasons for his ability to survive. 1. Mental exercise. While in isolation, he continually recited things he had learnt before and created hypothetical situations and solved mathematical and other problems. 2. Keeping perspective. Instead of focussing on what a bad situation he was in, he said that he always tried to “sit beside” himself, looking at his situation in the context of the broader machinations and problems of the time. 3. Artificial arrogance. He fostered a sense of “artificial arrogance” within himself. The prison guards would never use his name and would merely address him by stating “come”, “go” and “turn around”. He considered the guards as children, too silly and foolish to be able to really cause him concern.

On Thursday, we visited the Reichstag. The parliamentary building where the German parliament (the Bundestag) resides. The building is a place of significant historical significance. The building was built to house the original parliament of the German Empire opening in 1894. It mysteriously burnt down in 1933 (thanks Hitler), and the communists were blamed. It was only reopened as recently as 1999 to house the Parliament of united Germany. Anyway, being a group of law students from Germany's only private law school, we were lucky enough to have a talk from Hans-Ulrich Klose. He is the former mayor of the free and Hanseatic city of Hamburg and a current member of the Bundestag and Chairman of the German-American Parliamentary Group. This man is very impressive and hearing him speak was really interesting. Klose jokingly said that he thought Europeans should be allowed to vote in American elections because US policies directly effects Europe. When asked who he would vote for if he were allowed, Klose said that the American/European relations were currently at a low point (no doubt due in no small part to George Bushes arrogance and unilateralism) and that the election of the Democrates would be expected to improve relations. Klose said that if Hillary Clinton were elected this would spell three decades where two American families have controlled American politics. Seeing this as a dangerous outcome Klose said that he would support Obama. I was shocked that Klose was so frank about who he would support in the US election and I'm not so sure his position makes sense. It does not matter who controls government, so much as it matters that they are the best man for the job. As to whether Hillary is the best 'man' for the job is a whole other question...

TAE A FERT

This poem, entitled 'Tae a Fert' is a Scottish poem. I got from Kate Green, our wee bonnie lassie tour guide, who was kind enough to show us around Scotland when I was there in July this year.
-------------------------------
Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
That lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
-
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin all ower the place
Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'bodys gonnae have tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
-
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it doesnae reek
But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap a thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Mighty me a sonic boom!
-
God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope I huvnae filled ma breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry
A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or two are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but rise a smile

Wis him! I shout with accusin glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair

Where e're ye go let ye wind gan free
Sounds like just the place fur me
Whit a fuss at rabbie's perty
Ower the sake o' one wee ferty.

Letter to America

To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:..

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5.There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

Gesellschaft mit beschränkter Haftung

Or, in English - 'company with limited liability'.

Somehow the law seems so much more authoritative and exciting in German, or maybe it's just me.

Hagenbecks Tierpark - Hamburg zoo

Ilana, croc and I

Pretty small aquarium

The lemurs love me.

Jonathan and I (I'm not saluting, I'm keeping the sun out of my eyes)

me and Jonathan

Here little rabbit, I wont eat you.

me and Dumbo

Kopenhagen

Wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen

Carlsberg brewery

(from left clockwise: Veronique, Mike, Steph, Ilana, Brent, me, Saroja)

Ice shot glasses

Chillin' at the Icebar

(Ilana, me, Karen, Frederico, Saroja and Steph)

Hamburg, touristic

Hamburg bus tour

The Rathaus

Hamburg - first impressions

Bucerius Law School

The Inner Alster

The Holsten Brewery, Altona

Exchange students at the Sternschanze flea markets

Sternschanze flea markets

German bread knife

This is a picture of the bread knife in my kitchen. I know.

Guggenheim - Bilbao

This is a picture of teh Guggenheim Museum Bilbao that I mentioned in my virgin travel post. Impressive, I know. It is designed to resemble a ship. The random curves of the golden exterior were designed to reflect the sun, bright idea. Notice the person standing to the left of the gigantic spider in front of the building, it gives you some perspective as to the size of the building. On the other side of the building there is a gigantic puppy dog sculture majigga thing. I never actually looked at it from the front, but from the back it looked a lot like a cat. The locals assured Paul and I that it is in fact a dog.

Flag of Hamburg

This is the flag of Hamburg, the banner under which I will be drinking for the next 4 months. It is interesting that Hamburg, formally called the Free and Hanseatic City of Hamburg, is an independent city state within Germany. A couple of days ago I went to the Hamburger Dom. In most cities of Europe 'the Dom' is a large Cathedral around which the town is built. However, not in Hamburg. In Hamburg, the Dom is a fair ground, with hotdogs, ghost trains, Ferris wheels, water slides, you get the picture. The fair is only open for three months of the year, one month at a time, so it was good to get to go before it closes next week. There used to be a Cathedral where the fair ground now stands, but it was torn down a couple of hundred years ago. Hamburg is a merchant town and it seems that Hamburgers care far more about trade and commerce than they do about religion. Apparently 40% of people in Hamburg profess to have no religion. Relion or no, it seems to work, Hamburg is one of the wealthiest cities in Europe.

Schinken and Hähnken

Okay, I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I found this a little confusing. Schinken is ham and Hähnken is chicken. Completly the opposite of what I expected. I am currently living on Schnellstraße in Altona, Hamburg. I found out last week that Schnell means fast, so I am living on Fast Street. Sehr Super, I know. It's strange though because in Deutschland 'fast' means 'almost'. So if you translate my street name into English twice, I'm living on 'Almost Street', it doesn't quite have the same ring to it. I live on Almost Street, well it's almost a street ,it's more of an alley way, well almost.

I have been learning German now for three weeks and it remains a challenge. There are three genders to choose from and God knows how many verb tenses to choose from. We learnt about the Akkusativ last week. 'Der' is the masculine definite article, so 'The coffee is good' would be 'der Kaffee ist gut'. However, when the coffee becomes the object in the sentence 'I drink the coffee', it becomes 'Ich trinke den Kaffee'. I am still getting my head around this one.

But seriously, I am really enjoying learning German, and I now realise why sie Germans are so good at engineering. The German language is like a science, very precise. English on the other hand is an art, many ways of conveying the same idea and multiple methods of getting across an identical concept . Crazy.

Bier by the Alster

I am currently taking German language classes full time until uni starts at the beginning of September. After class, we (we being Kobbey, Marie-Anne and I) buy a 1€ Bier. Good times.

But I need to enjoy the sunlight, because apparently the winter is miserable. Having a beer is a good way to celebrate the sunlight, and a good way to drown ones sorrows in the dead of winter. I joke, ... but seriously.

One of the great things about Hamburg, and I think Germany in general, is that 'the Long Lunch' is part of their culture. Outside the Colon language school at lunch time there are hundreds of people having hearty cooked meals and fine wine, using only the shiniest crystal glasses and the best crockery and cutlery. Ah, but I do love Germany. Bon appetite!!

Caipirinha

Last night was my first experience of the Reeperbahn. Let's just say that this street is like King's Cross on steroids, and is Amsterdam's not so poor cousin. I went to the Reeperbahn with a couple of the students from the Colon (Colon the language school not Cologne the city). I am studying German for 4 weeks before I start at the Bucerius Law School in September. One of the girls, Diana, is Columbian. She's only 25 years old and is engaged to be married to some 40 year old German guy in a couple of weeks, crazy! I don't know where he was last night, but Diana was at the club dancing with us. We went to one of the bar/clubs and danced and danced and I drank a few Caipirinhas.

The recipe for Caipirinhas is 50 mLs of Cachaca (a Brazilian spirit), 1/2 a lime and 2 teaspoons of sugar. Place the lime and sugar into a glass and mash the two ingredients together. Fill the glass with crushed ice and add the Cachaça. Alternatively, you can use Vodka instead of Cachaca.

Virgin travel post

Okay, this is my virgin entry. I have been travelling around the UK, Ireland and Spain for about 4 weeks now. To see some of my photos from London and the surrounding area, click the 'London photos' link below.

London photos

London was an amazing experience. It is much like Szdnez on serious dose of roids. The buildings are impressive, the people are fashionable, the women are beautiful, and the public transport arrives on time. I am tzping this in Hamburg, just arrived here to start a German language course. Unfortunatelz, the 'y' and 'z' kezs on this kezboard have been swapped. It is probablz a measure to increase German tzping efficiencz. Ah, German effiencz, just don' mention the war...

The Dali exhibition in London was outstanding. Thez had a series of Dali movies running on loop and a collection of his most famous paintings. This guy brings a whole new meaning to the word 'insane'. Basically everything reminds him of sex, including lobsters, telephones, horses, rhinoceros horns, zou get the picture.



From London we caught the overnight bus up to Edinburgh. If you meet any bonnie wee lassies when you're up Scotland way, the phrase "it's a braw bricht moonlicht nicht the nicht" (meaning 'its a brilliant bright moonlit night tonight') should come in handy. If you can say, "It's a braw bricht moonlicht nicht", then yer a'richt, ye ken. If someone's giving you the wee willies, tell them to "get tae, your pure bokin" (meaning 'go away you are horrible'). And, to bid farewell to a dear friend you say, "lang may yer lum reek" (meaning 'long may you have smoke coming out of your chimney').

From Scotland we flew into Dublin. It might be one and the world's most expensive cities, but it doesn't have incredibly much to show for it. The biggest attraction is the Guinness brewery, which is awesome by the way. I know what you're all dying to know and the answer is yes, the Guinness does taste better in Ireland. As for the coffee in Ireland, the Irish must have been listening to too much of the Beastie Boyz, because they like their whisky with coffee and cream.

From Ireland, Paul and I flew down to down to Bilbao in the north of Spain, which is home to the world famous Guggenheim. When I think of contemporary art, I think blank canvass with a blob of blue paint in one corner entitled 'contemplation'. However, much to my surprise, the Guggenheim was actually really really good.

From Bilbao we ventured to the coastal town of San Sebastian. The sand on La Concha beach is just as good as any of the beaches I have seen in Sydney or Goa. However, because the beach is in a bay there were no waves. It was like one gigantic swimming pool, there were lane markers and out towards the centre of the bay there was a platform with a slippery dip. There must have been about 2000 people on the beach the day we were there, and like good Europeans most of them clung to the shoreline, either walking along the beach or paddling in the water at waist height. Paul and I swam straight out to the platform in the middle of the bay. There was a little dingy rowing up and down the bay making sure than no one had drowned in the perfectly still water.

After meeting up with the lovely Miss Bridget in Pamplona, we headed out on a three day pilgrimage to Lourdes. I have never wanted to go on a pilgrimage before, but in retrospect I'd have to rank it as one of my most memorable experiences. There were 1000s of old and sick people there hoping to obtain a miracle from the holy Lourdes water. Unfortunately, yours truly did not get any miracles, I am still clinically insane. It was a similar experience to visiting much of India. Being literallysurrounded by people who are knocking on death's door makes you appreciate the little things. Croissant, baggett, chocolat, fromage, vin rouge, I was deeply touched.

From the holy land we ventured to Barcelona, or Barthelona as the locals say it, the land of filth and depravity. Much hailed as the happening touristy party town on the shores of the Mediterranean, Barcelona attracts people from all walks of life, many of whom appear to have crawled out from under the nearest rock. During the day I saw tricksters taking money from innocent tourists, and walking down the main drag (Las Ramblas) at 2am, was an exercise in trying to dodge the ladies of the night who would try and call out to me and grab me as I walked past. But apart from these aspects of Barcelona, it is, in its own way, a very beautiful city. Casa Mila, better known as La Pedrera, is the most famous secular building designed by the early 20th century architect Antoni Gaudi.

The Ciutat Vella and L'Eixample areas of Barcelona are approximately a million times cheaper for food than the touristy Barri Gotic area. To get there, when you're walking from the harbour up Las Ramblas, turn left instead of right. Also beware the Sangria. I was under the impression it only contained red wine and fruit juice. However, after drinking half a litre of the stuff over dinner, let's just say my initial assumption was well and truly wrong. I suppose there are worse ways to write off an entire morning.

From Barcelona we bussed it to Nice. Nice is lovely. I was there two and a half years ago in the winter the weather was as beautiful this time as it was the last. For those of you with an interest in food, I recommend going to a bakery and ordering the Niçois specialty called fougass (probably spelt wrong). You wont need to eat for the rest of the day.

Anyone who has read this far should be awarded the Victoria Cross, or some similar medal indicating your courage in the face of boredom.